Ups and Downs.

This month has been packet to the brim with so many ups and downs that I have lost count. And I am pretty sure that this will be incredibly indicative of the way the rest of this year is going to be. I should probably consider getting a better helmet, maybe some sweet elbow pads and knee pads too, because it is going to be a much bumpier ride than I initially anticipated.

I knew going into this that the real world was going to be tough. I knew the acting/theatre profession was going to be rough. But I didn't think I was going to tumble quite this hard. I set out into a very rough and dangerous storm in a little dingy boat. Ha! It's true though. Yes, I worked my ass of my last year in school to support myself, but I was also living in paradise. The real world in Santa Barbara (I have come to realize) is still a beautiful, pristine bubble. I was still looking at the world through that bubble moving here and the first few weeks I was living here. That bubble has now been totally burst. Ker-splat!

And I'm not going to lie, I'm not handling it all that well. I've had more panic attacks in the last month than I have in years. I've had to face the fact that no matter what I do to make money (short of selling my eggs, which I considered for a hot second) I'm never going to be able to afford ANYTHING in this city. No one can. It's just too damn expensive. I'm in the process of switching jobs, which is financially terrifying but completely necessary. Demoing is fun but not fun enough to make me stay with it; so I've signed up with a temp agency and will hopefully be placed in a temp-to-hire full-time receptionist position at some company in the city. After that happens I think I will be able to start breathing again. I've also started looking for electrician work in theaters. I have to be a little more careful on this front: I came here to be an actor, not to be a stagehand/electrician.

I've been submitting myself for any audition that I think I could possibly play a part in, but so far that hasn't yielded any results. And to be honest I'm not all that surprised that I'm not getting called in to audition. It's completely based on my headshot/resume. Now, don't get me wrong, my current headshot is a beautiful picture of me, but it's not a "New York headshot." And my resume is light; a side effect of not getting cast much. At least I can handle rejection well? You might be asking yourself, "Well Jen, why don't you just get yourself some NY headshots?" Well, I'm holding off on getting new headshots for a couple of reasons. 1) They are ridiculously expensive. People will pay $1000 on headshots and not lose any sleep over it. Unfortunately for me I am not one of those people who is made of money/owns a money tree. Fortunately, my roommate goes to school with a guy who takes amazing headshots and is more affordable. Check out his work! Isn't he amazing?!?! And 2) I'm planning on changing up my hair pretty drastically when I go home in March, so, kinda have to wait until that happens.

I find myself forgetting this all the time: "This is what I wanted, remember?" When I didn't get into grad school last year I took it as a huge open door to go out and live my life and *GASP* actually enjoy being in my 20s!! Which, I won't lie, is something I had not done until now. And while I am not always enjoying my 20s, I am definitely living my life: trying to learn from my real world mistakes (Example: If you are running low on cash don't go out or buy things you can't afford! You don't have tip money to do the fun stuff!!) and endeavoring to hold on to my mostly positive, bubbly, Santa Barbara self. I thought my year at SFSU was a huge growing year for me, and it was, but I can only image what Future Jen will say about the New York years...

This what life is all about, right? The ups and the downs? And how you handle what the universe, in her infinite wisdom, throws at you?

God. This has not been a happy post so far! I apologize for that! But it's about to get better! Yay!

Here's the upside for you:

I have been meeting some awesome actors and directors in the city, who are working and not all of them have an MFA. I can still be a fantastic working actor without a graduate degree!! Huzzah! New mantra!

Also, I've found a project to throw the rest of my energy into and that has been a fantastic way to distract myself from how difficult living here can be. Not only that but I was introduced to someone, a director, who is just as excited about this project as we are. I'll give y'all more details/save that story for another post down the road, but it's been every exciting working on it again. I will say this: Jenexia has reunited and it feels so good!

Oh- PS: On a funny and bizarre note, I broke a knife cutting into my perfectly toasted with a gooey center grilled cheese sandwich today. I guess I don't know my own strength. Or something.